


The Start of an Adventure

by ClockworkDinosaur (orphan_account)



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alpha kids - Freeform, Alternate Universe - No Sburb Session, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-23
Updated: 2016-08-23
Packaged: 2018-08-10 15:14:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7850041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/ClockworkDinosaur
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A stranger breaks into Jake English's car while on the run.</p>
<p>An AU where there was no Sburb, they're all slightly older, and the all of the Alpha Kids didn't know each other from the beginning.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Start of an Adventure

**Author's Note:**

> This started as a short first-meeting AU thing that accidentally blew up into the longest one-shot I've ever written. I picked at it for a few weeks and now I'm just posting it because I worked hard on it.

Jake English's footsteps echoed through the empty parking lot, the streetlights between him and his car flickering and dim. He walked without worry, even with the darkness pressing in. He reached his tiny, beat-up green Sedan and unlocked it, sitting inside with a sigh and taking a moment to close his eyes, the cool night air and familiarity of his car calming. Working in retail wasn't exactly his favorite job, but it paid the bills.

“Don't be alarmed,” a voice said from behind him in the back seat.

“By Jove!” Jake exclaimed, jumping in his seat and banging his head on the low car ceiling.

“Did you just say _by Jove_? What year is it?” the intruder asked.

“What in the bloody hell are you doing in my car?” Jake yelled.

“It's a long story,” the intruder said. “I swear I'm not a murderer or anything though.”

“That's reassuring!” Jake said. “Now that I know that, get out.”

“I need your help.”

“I don't even know you, you scoundrel!”

“Okay, the old-timey Brit speak is adorable and all but I'm actually in a fuck-ton of trouble right now and I could really use some assistance.”

Jake took a deep breath. “Who are you?”

“Dirk Strider, local dumbass with a few _very_ angry people on his trail,” the stranger said, offering his hand. Jake shook it automatically, looking closer at Dirk. His pale blond hair was in spiked disarray, his eyes hidden behind a ridiculous pair of triangular sunglasses. Freckles dotted his skin and tattoos covered the entirety of one arm like a sleeve.

Jake noted begrudgingly that Dirk was _incredibly_ hot, weird sunglasses and all.

“Okay mister Strider, what did you do to draw the wrath of several individuals?” Jake asked suspiciously. “Your initial declaration that you aren't a murderer is now looking slightly more worrisome.”

Dirk shrugged. “I'll explain if we start driving.”

“Are you holding me hostage to do your bidding?” Jake asked indignantly.

“No. In fact, if you want me to I'll get out of this car right now and we'll never see each other again. But I'm kind of out of options right now and I'd like to be moving somewhere else as soon as possible.”

Jake looked at Dirk critically, before putting his keys in the ignition with a shake of his head. “Fine. I'll take you where you need to go.”

Dirk let out the breath he had been holding, relieved. “Thank you so much...” he trailed off.

“Jake English. Pleasure to meet you, even given the circumstances,” Jake said, starting the car and pulling out of the parking spot.

“That's a fitting last name,” Dirk said, climbing from the back into the passenger’s seat.

“I am aware,” Jake said dryly. Dirk buckled his seat belt as Jake exited the parking lot. Dirk nodded to the left and Jake began driving, the roads somewhat clear in the late hour.

“So. I fucked up,” Dirk said.

“Indeed,” Jake agreed.

“I mean, before I broke into your car, I had already fucked up,” Dirk clarified.

“Is that so?”

Dirk sighed. “Let me start from the beginning. I build robots for a living. Fighting robots, protection robots, anything like that. Have been my entire life, and I'm the best there is,” he explained. Jake nodded, his eyes on the road as Dirk gave him occasional directions, leading him deeper into the city.

“I was hired by someone to make a really heavy-duty protection robot. I mean, this robot could probably take down an entire fucking armada if it wanted to, it was badass,” Dirk said, pride in his tone.

“ _Was?_ ” Jake said, glancing at Dirk with a raised eyebrow.

“As it turns out, the client was someone... less than deserving of such an awesome piece of machinery,” Dirk said. “Some criminal princess who's doing some bad shit.”

“Oh dear,” Jake said.

“Yeah. So with the help of a hacker friend of mine, we wirelessly rigged the bot to explode.”

Jake looked over, his green eyes wide beneath his glasses. “Great Scott, you murdered a criminal princess with an explosive automaton?”

“I said I'm not a murderer,” Dirk said quickly. “If anything, I'm indirectly an accomplice to manslaughter. But I swear, this _princess_ was planning horrible things. She had friends in high places and was planning something that would have ended up killing a lot more people,” he said. “Unfortunately, someone seems to have tied the explosion back to me. Some thugs chased me from my workshop, and that's how I ended up in your car.”

Jake was speechless. He checked his mirrors to make sure they weren't being followed, fingers tapping the steering wheel nervously. “So... her friends are now after you. And I'm taking you... somewhere?” Jake said.

“You're taking me to the hacker friend I mentioned earlier,” Dirk said. “You're free to leave after that, I'll pay you for the ride, even.”

Jake thought for a moment. “But... how will I know if you're okay afterward?” He wasn't sure why, but the idea of Dirk dealing with the entire mafia on his own scared Jake.

Dirk stared. “I guess you won't, unless you want to exchange numbers or something. Listen, I don't want to drag you into this mess more than I already have. Don't get me wrong, I'm enjoying your company, but I'm on the run from a fucking _criminal organization._ ”

“I know, but...” Jake took a deep breath. “I'm sure this won't be the only time you'll need a ride somewhere?” He shrugged somewhat awkwardly. “Just an offer. I'll admit, this is much more exciting than going straight home from work and watching movies until dawn.”

“Exciting is one word for it,” Dirk muttered, before sighing and rubbing his temples. “Okay look. This isn't some grand adventure or something. Chances are I'm going to end up fucking dead. I'd like to minimize the casualties. I don't even know why I'm bothering to visit Roxy, I should just skip town. This situation is so fucked,” he groaned.

“Roxy?” Jake asked.

“My hacker friend. I guess at least I owe it to her to say goodbye before I fall off the face of the earth or something and get myself killed,” he said.

“Now see here, there's surely something you can do! You can get away, those dastardly brutes can't chase you forever,” Jake said encouragingly.

Dirk shook his head. “Your hopefulness is inspiring, but it's not going to help me now.” He looked out the window and sat up. “Turn right, then stop at the third apartment building,” he said. Jake did as he was told and turned the car off.

“So. Are you really going to come up with me?” Dirk asked after a silent moment. Jake shrugged.

“If you're okay with me doing so, I would like to.”

“I'm just going to repeat the situation in case you don't understand the level of shit I'm in. I'm on the run from people who want revenge for the death of a high-level criminal with big fucking plans. They will find me and they will kill me. You can let me out and drive home and be free of this situation,” Dirk said seriously.

“I drive away and then what? I'm assuming you don't have a car, and if your girlfriend was in on the explosion too they're probably after her as well,” Jake pointed out.

Dirk laughed loudly. “Okay wait, let me clarify, Roxy isn't my girlfriend. You're right with the rest of that but I'm pretty sure if you implied to her that we were dating she'd laugh herself into an aneurysm.”

“My apologies for assuming,” Jake said. Dirk waved him off with an amused expression.

“Let's just go talk to her,” he said.

 

“Before anything else, I just want to let you know that she's a genius. I'm not exaggerating, she could hack into the Pentagon with a Nintendo 64 if she wanted to. In fact, she has,” Dirk whispered, standing in front of an apartment door decorated with cat stickers.

“Okay,” Jake said, confused.

“Just remember that appearances can be deceiving.” he said. Jake nodded.

Dirk turned and banged on the door, causing Jake to flinch and look around.

“It's nearly three in the morning! You're going to wake up the entire bloody building!” he whispered harshly.

“The entire building except Roxy,” Dirk muttered. He raised his fist to knock again just as it opened, a young woman with blonde-and-pink hair and surprisingly pink eyes answering. In one arm she cradled a cat and in the other hand she held a martini glass. She smelled like a distillery and Jake raised an eyebrow.

“Oh-em-gee, heyyy!” she said, raising her glass. “T' what do I owes the pleasure of a visit form, I mean _from_ , my fev-favorite partner in crime?” she slurred, before looking at Jake. “Ohhh, and his hot new boyfriend,” she said with a wink.

Jake blushed as Dirk ran a hand through his hair. “Roxy, this is Jake English. Jake, Roxy Lalonde,” he said, introducing the two quickly.

“Hi, I'm not his boyfriend,” Jake blurted.

“That's not important. Roxy, we have a big problem,” Dirk said. Roxy's expression turned more serious as she stepped aside, letting the two in and locking the door behind them. Roxy's apartment was bright, even at the late hour. Screens and wires covered the walls, along with innumerable cat pictures and pink decorations.

“Does this have to do with...” she trailed off, miming an explosion with her hand as her black cat wriggled out of her arms and hid underneath a chair.

“Yeah. They found me. I got away by breaking into Jake's car and he drove me here,” Dirk explained. Roxy paled, finished off her drink, and set her glass aside.

“Well shit,” she said, sitting on the couch. “So they got into your workshop?” she asked, distraught.

Dirk nodded.

“And they might connect me to you and the explosion if they look through stuff?”

Another nod.

Roxy wrapped her arms around herself and closed her eyes.

“Dammit,” she muttered. “This is... This is really bad, Dirk,” she said. “Maybe we shouldn't have... shit, I think I'm gonna vom,” she said suddenly, standing up and rushing down the hall.

Jake watched her go with a deep frown. Dirk threw his shades aside and put his head in his hands, eyes squeezed shut.

“We fucked up. We fucked up _big time._ Roxy and I are so screwed,” he said, almost to himself.

“Don't think like that,” Jake said softly. “I'm sure there's somewhere you and Roxy can go...”

“Do you have any ideas? Honestly, beyond getting here and telling Roxy that she might be in danger too, I have nothing.”

“I'm sure we can think of something, you can't just give up,” Jake said.

Dirk looked up at Jake, and Jake blinked at the vivid orange color of his eyes.

“ _Do_ you have any ideas?” he asked. “Because it's not like Roxy and I can go to the authorities, we _did_ cause the death of someone,” he pointed out. “Deserving or not, she's still dead and I guess we're criminals. We really did fuck everything up.”

“Snap out of it, man!” Jake demanded as Roxy stumbled back into the room, flipping the ceiling light off with a glare before looking back and forth between Dirk and Jake.

“Dirk, we'll figure something out, okay?” Roxy said softly, sounding marginally more sober.

Dirk only shrugged. Roxy looked at Jake with an apologetic look. “I'm sorry we have to meet like this, but it _is_ super nice to meet you,” she said. “I'm being, like, the worst hostess, can I get you a drink or something?”

“No thanks,” Jake said, giving her a half-smile. Roxy sat in a chair, tucking her legs underneath her and leaning her head on the arm rest. Her cat hopped up next to her and she absently stroked its fur.

“So... they know why her robot exploded. They know we did it. And they're hella pissed,” Roxy said. She sounded defeated and her cat nuzzled her softly.

“I'm hoping they don't know you're involved,” Dirk said. “Her death can be entirely pinned on me and you can continue on with your life.”

“Who... was she?” Jake asked tentatively. Roxy and Dirk exchanged a look.

“Maybe it's best you don't know the details,” Dirk said.

Jake looked back and forth between them. “Well, I need all the details if I'm going to help you right? And don't try and get me to change my mind about it, because by George it seems you need all the help you can get.”

Dirk and Roxy were quiet.

“Her name was Meenah Peixes, and I'm pretty sure- no, I'm like one-hundred percent sure she could have taken over the world,” Roxy said quietly. Dirk shot her a look.

“The less people that know, the better,” Dirk warned.

“He wants to help,” Roxy said. “I say we let him. Mutie here agrees, so you're out-numbered,” she said, gesturing to her cat with a smug expression. With an eye-roll, Dirk waved for her to continue.

Roxy cleared her throat. “Meenah was ruthless. She would kill _anyone_ who would dare get in her way. Rumor has it that she had the police _and_ state government in her designer-jean pocket. And she wanted more,” she said, her tone hushed.

“When I got an order from Peixes' cover corporation, I nearly packed up then and there,” Dirk added. “Like I said, I'm the best there is, and I guess she knew it. She also knew that there were a lot of people after her head and she needed extensive protection.”

“Cover corporation?” Jake interrupted.

Roxy nodded. “The Crocker corporation. As in Betty Crocker.” She spat the name like a curse.

Jake paled. “Cr-Crocker?” he breathed.

Dirk nodded. “It's a cover-up for a big criminal organization that might be involved with the government itself. They're doing something to people, but we can't figure out what exactly.”

“I've done some... research. Where they're trying to take our government would lead to widespread death and destruction.” Roxy added gravely.

Jake barely heard her as he stood suddenly.

“I, uh, I need to make a call,” he stammered, stumbling out into the hallway.

Roxy watched him leave with a worried expression. “I guess it's a lot to take in,” she said.

 

Jake brought up the number on his cell phone with shaking hands, holding the phone to his ear as he leaned against the stairwell wall. The impatient tapping of his foot echoed around the concrete walkway as he waited for her to pick up. It rang five times before she picked up.

“Jake? It's three in the morning, what could you possibly need?” the sleepy voice drawled.

“Jane, I need you to be honest with me,” Jake said. “What does Crocker-corp _do?_ ”

A pause. “Why are you asking me this in the middle of the night?” Jane asked, her tone annoyed. “They sell cakes and snack-foods, and occasionally create new and exciting technology to improve people's lives.”

“You sound like an infomercial,” Jake said.

“It's three in the morning Jake, I want to sleep,” Jane whined. “Why are you quizzing me on this right now?”

“What does the name Meenah Peixes mean to you?”

Another pause. “Should I know who that is?” Jane asked.

Jake sighed. “I don't think so.”

“Is everything okay? You sound shaken,” Jane said, sounding a bit more awake.

“I don't quite know, to be honest,” he said. “Listen, I'm sorry for calling you so late. I'll explain more tomorrow, okay?”

“Alright. You take care now,” Jane said, then hung up.

Jake pressed his back into the wall and slid down, elbows on his knees as he did his best to take deep, calming breaths.

Jane Crocker was one of his best friends, and the heiress to the Crocker corporation. The idea that the corporation could be a coverup for criminals taking over the government made his stomach churn. She didn't seem to know, but how could she not? She owned all of the Crocker technology, was the forefront of their advertisement campaign for years until the assassinations attempts forced her to keep a low profile- _how could she not know?_

Jake squeezed his eyes shut and groaned. For a fleeting moment he considered just leaving, doing his best to forget everything, but quickly discarded the thought. He had to do something to help Roxy and Dirk, and he had to find out for certain what Jane herself knew.

His eyes flew open. Scrambling to his feet, he jogged back to Roxy's apartment, throwing the door open with wide eyes.

“I have an idea,” he said breathlessly. Roxy looked up with a hopeful expression.

“I have a friend in a rather high place,” Jake explained. Dirk gave him a suspicious look.

“How high?” he asked.

“High enough,” Jake said, the pitch of his voice raising in his nervousness. “She's... a friend of mine. And I feel like she can help you. Perhaps she can talk to people, use her influence to stop this madness. Tomorrow we can go see her, maybe she'll have an idea on how to sort all of this out.”

“Why do you think this friend of yours can help?” Dirk's eyes were narrowed as he stared Jake down.

“Because, well... she's...” Jake wrung his hands nervously. “She's the... heiress. To Crocker-corp. Jane Crocker.”

Roxy looked at Jake with horror as Dirk stood.

“You're _friends_ with the fucking Crocker-corp heiress?” he said, voice low.

“I swear, I had no idea that her- that the company was corrupt. I have a strong feeling that she doesn't have the slightest clue either. But maybe she can do something to-”

“Jake, stop,” Roxy said. “You should leave.” Her arms were crossed, jaw fight as she refused to make eye contact.

Jake looked at both of them in turn. He sighed. “Alright. But...” He pulled a pen out of his pocket, scribbling his phone number on a scrap of paper and holding it out to Dirk.

“If you need help...” he said. Dirk hesitated for a moment before talking the paper.

Jake said nothing else before leaving. Roxy locked the door behind him and rubbed her face.

“I can't believe, of all the people's cars you could have broken into, you broke into a friend of the heiress to the Batterwitch's car,” Roxy said.

“How was I supposed to know? I was just hoping he'd get me here and leave, I didn't think he'd try and help. I barely know him, that's why we shouldn't have told him anything,” he said.

“God, this whole thing gets more and fucked up as it goes on.” Roxy shook her head.

“Dammit,” Dirk growled. “I need to get out of here. _You_ need to get out of here. What if he tells his friend about this place? What if-”

“Dirk,” Roxy cut him off. “I don't think he's just going to sell us out or whatever. He wanted to help and he didn't know anything about what's behind Crocker-corp. I mean, I don't really trust him or anything, but he won't get the Batterwitch's cronies on out tail.”

“He knows where you live and it's my fault,” Dirk said. “Goddamn it, it's _all_ my fault.”

“Oh hell no. You're not about to fall into one of your self-loathing spirals,” Roxy said, picking up her cat and dropping it on Dirk's lap. “I'm just as much at fault here as you, which pretty much cuts the guilt in half.”

Dirk scratched the cat behind the ears as it purred softly. He took a deep breath and nodded.

“Right. What's done is done and assigning blame won't solve any problems,” he said with another nod.

“Damn right,” Roxy agreed.

“But what do we do now?” Dirk asked.

Roxy took the paper with Jake's number and added him to her contacts.

“TBH, I think we should sleep for a while,” she said, saying the abbreviation out loud to Dirk's slight amusement.

He sighed. “Maybe,” he said, rubbing his eyes. “But only for a few hours,” he added.

“As long as you need to,” Roxy said sternly.

“Stop mothering me,” Dirk said, kicking off his shoes and laying on her couch.

“Let me take care of my gay son,” Roxy said, throwing a pillow at his face. “Expect more mothering after I sleep off this buzz. G'night, Di-Stri,” she said with a wave.

“Goodnight, Ro-Lal.”

 

Jake woke up to his phone ringing directly next to his face. He grabbed it with a clumsy hand and pressed the talk button. Immediately, Roxy was shouting in his ear.

“He's gone! I-I think he left, Jake we need to find him!” she screeched. Jake sat up straight, putting his glasses on with one hand while Roxy seemed to hyperventilate into her phone.

“Roxy, Roxy you need to pull yourself together-” Jake started.

“Fuck that noise!” she shouted. Jake pulled the phone away from his ear with a wince. “I don't know if-if _they_ took him, or if he just left but we need to find him right fucking now!” she said.

“Have you tried calling him?” Jake asked, kicking the tangled sheets away from his legs and standing.

“Yeah, duh! He won't pick up,” she said, doing her best to control her tone. “I have some ideas about where he could be, unless he was kidnapped I guess... thinking about that's not helping,” she moaned. “I need your help Jake, we need to find him and make sure he's okay.”

“Of course! Ah, fiddlesticks,” he muttered, nearly tripping in his hurry to get dressed. “I live about half an hour away, I'll see you soon!” he hung up as he pulled on a pair of shorts. He ran through his apartment, grabbing his keys before heading out the door.

 

Roxy paced her apartment, her cat watching with concern as Roxy bit her nails. Her stomach churned and the thought of drinking anything made her feel even sicker. Still she was tempted, and was just about to make a martini when there was a knock at her door. She threw the door open and Jake waved awkwardly.

“Hey,” he said lamely.

“Jake, I'm sorry about kicking you out last night, you just kinda caught us off guard and all and we're scared and-” Roxy said in a rush.

“No need to apologize, I understand,” Jake interrupted. “Right now we need to find Dirk, right?”

“Right,” Roxy agreed. She grabbed her house keys and blew a kiss to her cat before locking the door behind her. “First stop is his workshop.” She followed Jake to his car and sat in the passenger’s seat.

“Why do you think he would go back to his workshop, haven't the ne'er-do-wells found that place already?” Jake said, starting the car.

“Yeah, but he has a lot of his blueprints and stuff there, no way in hell he'd leave all of that behind,” Roxy said.

“What if they're watching it?”

Roxy turned to him with a pained expression. “Then I guess we hope that he's somewhere else. I don't know where else he could go.”

Jake nodded. “Alright then, Dirk's workshop. Navigate the way, miss Lalonde.”

Roxy gave him a dumbfounded look. “Just call me Roxy, dude.”

“Right.”

“Head to the outskirts of town, his workshop is pretty much a glorified shack stapled to an old apartment building,” she said as Jake started the car. Jake nodded and began driving. Roxy watched out the window at the passing cityscape, her fingers tapping against her leg anxiously.

“So, you're rather good with technology, hm?” Jake asked. Roxy nodded.

“Yeah, I always have been,” she said. “I kinda grew up on my own, never really had anything to do, but I was able to get lots of old tech. And _loooots_ of vodka. Taught myself how to get old broken things to work, then taught myself to get them to work even better than ever,” she said with a shrug. “I can fix a broken PS4 with parts from an old calculator and some duct tape while three days into a bender.”

“Impressive,” Jake said.

“Yeah I guess,” Roxy said with a smile. “But what do you do with your life? I guess aside from make friends with shady corporate heiresses and dudes who break into your car.”

“Nothing interesting as of late,” Jake said. “I work night shift at a grocery store, watch a lot of movies,” he said. “Admittedly, the whole _dashing stranger breaking into the car_ thing has been my recent highlight.”

“So you think Dirk is dashing, huh?” Roxy teased, smiling for the first time that day. Jake felt his face go warm.

“I, uh, confound it, that's... that is what I said, isn't it?” he muttered as Roxy laughed.

“I don't blame you! The guy's a major fucking hottie,” she said. “I'd be lying if I said I was never interested,” she said with a shrug. “But uh, you'll have a better chance with him than I will.” She frowned. “In... better circumstances, anyway.”

They were quiet as the reality of the situation settled around them again.

“I'm kinda terrified for him?” Roxy said after the silence had stretched on for a while. “I never really thought, like... When we were planning the explosion, all I could think about was how many people we were gonna save, yknow? Just, _BOOM!_ And then we're quiet heroes. The Batterwitch- I mean Meenah was a bad bitch.” Roxy sighed. “I didn't think anyone would know and I was sorta sad our _good deed_ wouldn't be celebrated or whatever, but now the wrong people know and me and Dirk might die.” She shuddered.

Jake listened with a small frown as Roxy continued to stare out the window, lost in her thoughts.

“Well, you did save a lot of people, if this hooligan was truly as bad as you say,” Jake said. “Heroism comes at a price, I suppose.”

“No good deed goes unpunished,” she said, affecting a fake British accent.

Jake snorted. “It's true though.”

“It's unfair, that's what it is,” Roxy said. “I just hope Dirk is okay. Take a right up there, then like half a mile later is his workshop,” she said.

The boarded-up buildings and empty streets were littered with graffiti and broken glass. The tires crunched over the garbage and stopped next to a somewhat cleaner by comparison garage attached to an abandoned apartment building. Roxy hopped out of the car quickly, and Jake followed a moment later. Roxy separated a key from her keyring and unlocked a side door, taking a deep breath.

“I really should've had a drink first,” she muttered before stepping inside.

Jake looked around the cluttered mess of robotic parts and tools scattered over ceiling-high shelves and tables that were almost too covered to see. After nearly tripping and scraping his arm on the jagged piece of metal, Jake hung back while Roxy made her way through the mess with ease. He lost sight of her in the gloom, the windows not letting much of the early-morning light in. He waited, tapping his foot and holding his scraped arm with a frown.

Roxy knew the workshop almost as well as Dirk. She made her way confidently through the dark maze of shelves until she found a living room of sorts. Two battered couches faced each other, a table buried underneath old pizza boxes and vodka bottles (a vast majority of those hers) between them.

On one couch laid Dirk, his white shirt splattered with drying blood and skin pale.

Roxy choked on a scream, stumbling to Dirk on legs that barely seemed do work.

“Dirk? Dirk? Oh god, oh no no no,” she said, her hands hovering uselessly over Dirk. “Shit, wake up, please...”

His orange eyes fluttered open. He grimaced, and did his best to focus on her.

“Hey,” he said weakly.

“What happened to you?” she half sobbed. Dirk tugged the side his shirt away from his neck, showing two holes in his left shoulder, nearly at his neck.

“She isn't dead, Roxy.”

Roxy recoiled like Dirk's words had physically injured her.

Jake carefully made his way to where Roxy's voice was and found her kneeling next to a bleeding Dirk.

“Oh cripes,” he said. “What in blazes happened?”

“I was attacked,” Dirk said. “Peixes herself apparently came back from the dead and stabbed me with a _fucking trident_.”

“She isn't dead? And a _trident?_ ” Jake said, kneeling next to Roxy as she began tearing Dirk's shirt and using it as a makeshift bandage.

“I don't know either,” he said. “I think she was going for my neck, I played dead and she left me on the sidewalk. I made it here about ten minutes ago.”

“Why did you leave my place at all though?” Roxy asked.

“I was afraid someone would come to your place looking for me, so I was headed back here,” he said. “If I'm going to fight, I'm fighting on my own turf.”

Roxy shook her head. “Dirk, I don't even think anyone knows I'm involved. God, you're so _stupid,_ ” she sighed, leaning forward and putting her head on his chest.

“We both know that isn't true,” he pointed out, patting her hair awkwardly. For the first time, he looked at Jake with a blank expression.

“Hey,” Jake said. “Oh drat... I'm sorry you almost got decapitated by a madwoman with a trident,” he muttered. “And for surprising you with the fact that Jane Crocker is a chum of mine.”

“It's been a weird couple of days,” he said, waving him off. Roxy was back to tending Dirk's wounds and slapped his hand back down.

“Stay still or I'll knock you out,” she threatened.

“Is there a first aid kit somewhere?” Jake asked. “I could go retrieve it.”

“It's next to the big thingy on the table,” Roxy said unhelpfully.

Jake blinked. Roxy huffed. “Hold the shirt here, apply lots of pressure, I'll get it myself,” she said as she stood and rushed away.

Jake was suddenly slapped with the fact that Dirk wasn't wearing a shirt. He applied pressure to the wounds while looking anywhere but Dirk.

“It's not every day I nearly get my head removed and my wounds tended by a cute almost-stranger,” Dirk said suddenly. Jake's eyes went wide.

“Are you delirious or something? Has the blood-loss addled your wits?” he asked, genuinely concerned.

Dirk frowned. “Probably. Like I said, weird couple of days; getting stabbed, I haven't slept soundly for over seventy-two hours, accomplice to manslaughter, all of that.” He smirked. “I'm right though. You're cute.”

Jake couldn't even form a coherent thought, let alone reply.

“Oh-em-gee Dirk, I leave for like half a minute and you start flirting with Jake,” Roxy said, setting a first-aid box on the floor between herself and Jake and rooting through it with a shake of her head.

“I'm entitled to flirt as much as I want, I almost died,” Dirk said. “Jake doesn't mind, do you Jake?”

Jake opened his mouth to answer, but was cut off my a sharp hiss from Dirk as Roxy poured rubbing alcohol on his wounds.

“Sorry!” she said, dabbing the liquid away. “I actually have like _no_ idea what I'm doing, but I know I gotta clean the stab-holes.”

“Egad,” Jake said under his breath. Dirk closed his eyes.

“Wow, I can't believe you're going to be the reason I die, Roxy,” he said. Roxy glared.

“You're not allowed to die. Like, I will literally drag you kicking and screaming from the afterlife,” she said, inspecting the wounds closer with a worried look.

“Dirk, are you able to move your arm?” Jake asked.

“Yeah,” Dirk said, lifting his left arm and wiggling his fingers with a pained expression. Jake nodded, going through the first-aid kit himself and pulling out a surgical needle and thread.

“It's been many years since I've done anything like this, but perhaps it's like riding a bicycle, one never forgets,” he said.

Roxy raised an eyebrow. “You know how to stitch up a wound?” she said incredulously.

“I had a rather rambunctious childhood,” Jake said. “Got into many adventures and such with my grandmother until she died,” he explained, before handing Dirk one of the half-empty liquor bottles from the table behind him. “You're going to want something to dull the pain,” he said.

“Holy shit dude,” Roxy said, seemingly awe-struck. “You can actually fix him?”

Jake's face flushed slightly darker. “I mean, it won't be as pretty as something done by a medical professional, but it will suffice until you can see one,” he said. Dirk grimaced as he drank before giving Roxy a confident nod.

“Roxy, you may also want to give us some space,” Jake said. She nodded and threw herself down on the second couch and closed her eyes.

“Ready?” Jake asked.

Dirk squeezed his eyes shut and nodded, and Jake began.

 

A tense hour and a half passed. The three were quiet aside from the occasional pained noise from Dirk and a muttered apology from Jake. Roxy's head throbbed painfully and it took all of her will power not to grab one of the bottles nearby and finish it off. She knew she needed a clear head.

Jake took a deep breath as he tied off the tread. “Okay, that should hold you. Don't try and move it too much. You're incredibly lucky she didn't hit something important or stab clear through you,” he said.

“You're also hella lucky you didn't bleed to death on your own couch,” Roxy added.

“Yeah, I'm the luckiest bastard alive,” Dirk groaned. Jake looked at Roxy, who was sitting up and watching Dirk with relief.

“What are the chances that the villainous felons will come here today for any reason?” he asked.

“I have no idea,” Roxy said. “I mean, if Peixes thinks Dirk is dead, and she doesn't know I was in on the whole thing she has no reason to check this place out, we could be safe,” he said hopefully.

“I think it would be best if Dirk didn't move for as long as possible,” Jake advised, standing and looking at his bloodied hands. “Before we worry about anything else though, is there someplace I can get myself cleaned up?”

Roxy pointed him to a small bathroom. Jake closed the door behind him and began scrubbing his hands raw. He took off his glasses and splashed water on his face, scrutinizing himself in the dingy mirror. Dark circles made his green eyes seem brighter, his face drawn with worry. But underneath it was a strange sort of excitement, the thrill of finally doing _something_ again after years of stagnation. He shook his head, chiding himself.

_This is a matter of life and death, old sport,_ he reminded himself. _Not some action movie._

With another stern look in the mirror, he turned to leave.

Just as his phone began ringing.

The sudden noise startled him and he nearly dropped it as he glanced at the caller.

Jane.

He hurriedly pressed the talk button and pressed the phone to his ear.

“Hia, Jake! Are you doing okay today?” Jane asked, her bubbly voice soft.

“Oh, I'm splendid,” Jake said, falsely casual as he opened the door and walked out to where Dirk and Roxy were. They looked at him with confused expressions as he put a finger to his lips and put the call on speaker.

“-had me worried sick!” Jane was saying.

“Terribly sorry about that,” Jake said.

“But I asked my dad about that Meenah person you mentioned, because I suspected that she has something to do with the company, based on your line of questioning,” Jane went on. Dirk sat up suddenly, his eyes wide.

“Go on,” Jake said.

“Well, he gave me the strangest expression! Wouldn't say a word, just looked almost... sad?” Jane said. “So I did a bit of digging on my own. I looked up her name on my laptop-”

“Crocker-top?” Jake said, already knowing the answer.

“Of course! But nothing at all came up! It's almost like that person doesn't even exist, but... why else would you ask me? So I donned a disguise and went to the library to use one of _those_ un-branded computers.”

“Smart idea,” Jake said. Roxy and Dirk listened with rapt attention.

“It was, wasn't it! So I looked up Meenah Peixes- which is a hard name to figure out how to spell- and what came up was... strange.” She paused.

“Yes?” Jake urged.

“It was all a bunch of silly government conspiracy websites! Saying she's some head of a criminal organization bent on taking over the free world!” Jane laughed. “The most ridiculous notion of all is that she's somehow involved with the Crocker brand. Outrageous! As if Betty Crocker could somehow be plotting to take over the planet.”

Jake was pale, Roxy and Dirk exchanged looks.

“Jake?” Jane asked after a moment of silence.

“Yeah, my apologies, I'm just... thinking,” he said.

“Well, now that you've had your fill of silly conspiracy theories, how about you come over? It's been a while since we've hung out, and it's been weeks since anyone's tried to blow me up or anything so it should be safe!” Jane offered.

“Jane, I'll have to call you back in a bit,” Jake said quickly, not listening to her protest as he hit the end call button.

Roxy, Dirk, and Jake were quiet. Jake swallowed thickly as Roxy began shaking her head.

“It's not just some _silly notion,_ ” Roxy said quietly, balling her fists. “I've seen the facts, I know what she's doing, I know what she's done!”

“Roxy,” Dirk said quietly as tears welled up in her eyes.

“I didn't hack into the president's computer chasing after a _ridiculous theory!_ ” she said louder.

“I know, we both know the truth,” Dirk said, his tone calming.

“My mom wasn't killed by an _outrageous conspiracy!_ ”

Jake felt his heart drop as Roxy pressed her balled fists into her eyes.

“And my brother wasn't killed fighting a conspiracy either,” Dirk said quietly “We know the truth, Roxy. It's clear that Jake's friend is brainwashed. We're on the right path here.”

Jake looked back and forth between them with a pained expression.

“I'm so sorry, both of you,” Jake said. “How have I never heard anything about this, about what that Peixes scoundrel is doing?”

“She owns the media,” Dirk said. “She has control over almost everything at this point. Her influence is starting to spread into the government, the president may even be in on it,” Dirk said.

“Oh my stars,” Jake muttered. “Well, I have to tell Jane. Preferably in a neutral environment, all of her tech is Crocker-brand,” Jake said, then his eyes flew wide. “ _All_ of her tech is Crocker-brand!” he repeated, putting his hands to his face.

“You don't mean...” Roxy said, staring at Jake with dawning horror.

“Her cell phone is made by the Crocker company, they _might_ have been listening in. Oh blimey, they might have been able to trace her call!”

Immediately, Dirk and Roxy stood. Dirk pulled a ratty tank-top with an orange hat logo from a box and pulled it on with some difficulty.

“We need to get out right now,” he said.

“Where?” Roxy asked, following Dirk through the workshop.

“We meet up with Jane somewhere,” Jake offered.

“Why?” Roxy asked as the three piled into Jake's car.

“She needs to know what she's heiress to, and once she knows there may be some way she can help us,” Jake said, pulling away from the curb as he brought Jane's number back up oh his phone.

It rang once, twice, five times before finally going to voice mail.

“Cripes,” Jake hissed. Dirk looked at him with concern from the passenger’s seat as Jake tried again.

On the fourth ring, Jane answered.

“Well mister _hang up on my best friend,_ ” Jane said, clearly annoyed. “For what do I owe the pleasure of your attention?” After a second, she sighed. “That was rude, and I'm sorry.”

“I forgive you, but we need to have a serious conversation somewhere private and in-person,” Jake said.

“Oh?” Jane said, interested. “Well, you could come over to my house if you'd-”

“No,” Jake cut her off. “Don't say the name, but remember where we used to hang out as kids?” he said.

“The- yeah, I do,” she said. “Would you like to meet up there?” she asked.

“Yes, see you soon” Jake said, then hung up.

“Where's the place?” Roxy asked from the back seat.

“This forested area we would play in on the rare occasions I was able to visit, we had adventures and such as children,” Jake said.

“You know... It almost kinda sounded like you asked her on a date,” Roxy pointed out. “Oh, meet me in this special secluded place alone so I can tell you something secretly and cheerio, love,” she said in her fake British accent. Dirk snorted.

“She's right,” he said. Jake frowned.

“It's Janey I'm talking about! The old gal and I have been nothing more than friends for years, there's no chance she could really think I'm asking for her hand,” he said. “Besides, we have no time to worry about such trivialities. There are more important things than matters of the heart to deal with.”

“Completely unrelated question, but did you wander out of a movie from the nineteen-twenties?” Dirk asked. Roxy laughed as Jake rolled his eyes.

“I'm not even going to entertain that with an answer,” Jake said.

The rest of the car ride was quiet as both Roxy and Dirk nodded off. Jake found himself glancing at the sleeping Dirk more times than he cared to admit. When he slept, the hard lines of his face were softened, and Jake realized that he couldn't be older than his own twenty-two years.

He wondered what would have happened if the two had met under different circumstances. If Dirk were a flirty customer at the grocery or a handsome stranger at a bookstore. Jake sighed, his eyes on the road but his mind a million miles away.

 

Jane Crocker sat on an old rickety bench on the forest outskirts, a wide-brimmed fedora obscuring her face on the off chance of another assassination attempt. Though she was tempted, she left the fake mustache out of her disguise.

She tapped her feet with a mix of excitement and nerves, her mind giving her a hundred ideas of what Jake could want to talk about alone on such short notice. She was worried for him, he had seemed afraid the last few times they had talked.

She stood and smiled widely when she saw Jake's car pull up. Her smile faded when two others stepped out of the car as well. Jake approached with a small wave while the two strangers stared at Jane.

“Salutations, Jane!” Jake said when they got close enough.

“Hi Jake,” she said, looking at the two behind him suspiciously. “When you said we needed to talk somewhere alone, I didn't think you would bring some randoms strangers.”

“Jane, this is Roxy Lalonde and Dirk Strider. Dirk and Roxy, this is Jane Crocker,” Jake said.

“Pleasure to meet you,” Jane said politely. “So what is it that you needed to tell me, with an audience?”

“Maybe I'm not the best person to explain,” Jake said, stepping aside.

“The Crocker company is multiple levels of fucked up,” Roxy started. Jane look startled.

“What ever do you you mean?”

“You may want to sit for this,” Dirk said. “There are a lot of things you need to know and they might be shocking and hard to believe, but you need to listen.”

It took half an hour to give Jane the full story. She seemed dazed as Dirk and Roxy finished their explanation and Jake watched his childhood friend anxiously.

“So let me see if I'm grasping this,” Jane said, rubbing her forehead as a throbbing headache formed. “Crockercorp is actually secretly a criminal organization that's trying to take over the government, and then the world? And they're buying out the media, killing people, and brainwashing everyone?”

“Exactly,” Dirk nodded.

“That's absurd!” Jane said, shaking her head.

Roxy took Jane's hands and looked at her gravely. “Listen, I know you've been under the Batterw- under Crockercorp's influence since forever, but you need to listen to us, we're right. The head of the company tried to literally kill Dirk this morning, and she murdered people we care about. We have no reason to lie,” she said, her eyes boring into Jane's blue eyes. Jane shook her head.

“It just doesn't... make any sense! Why would I... I've always...” she blinked a few times. “I've always thought Betty Crocker was perfect. But I'm not really sure why...”

“You were brainwashed. Subliminal messaging, years of conditioning, manipulation of what you were exposed to...” Dirk said, shaking his head. “It's not your fault though, you couldn't have had any idea.”

Roxy nodded in agreement. Jane looked at Jake, shaken.

“How did you even get caught up in all of this?” she asked.

“Dirk broke into my car last night,” Jake said.

Jane blinked.

“It's been a rather strange twenty-four hours,” he added.

Jane nodded, taking a deep breath and doing her best to pull herself together. “So, what do we do? If she really is so powerful and survived your assassination attempt, maybe it's best for you to just hide.”

“Hell no,” Roxy said.

“We aren't backing down,” Dirk said. “We need to stop her, and I think you could help us,” he said, formulating a plan.

“I have very little to do with the company right now,” Jane pointed out.

“But the company keeps a close eye on you,” he said, deep in thought. “There's a nearly one-hundred percent chance that someone's tapped your phone. Nobody knows where you are now, right?”

“Right,” Jane confirmed. “I left in a disguise while my dad was distracted.”

Dirk nodded. “So you need to go back home, and hope nobody noticed that you left, and that nobody finds Jake's questions about Peixes too concerning. After all, you wrote them off as conspiracies anyway, so we should be in the clear. When Jake, Roxy, and I get back to the warehouse Jake will call you and ask you to come. He'll give you the address and everything, even if she's not able to track the call she can still find us.”

Roxy looked at him in shock. “You _want_ the damn Batterwitch to find us?” she said, stupefied.

“We'll make her come to us and end her before her hold on things gets any worse,” Dirk said.

“You're going to murder the head of Betty Crocker?” asked Jane, concerned. “What will happen to...” She trailed off when she noticed Roxy's and Dirk's expressions. “Well shucks, I know you're right in all of this but I'm afraid of what might happen,” she said quietly.

“You'll become the head, won't you?” Jake said.

“I-I think so? But if that's what Crockercorp does then I'm not sure I want to be a part of it. But I can't just let it crumble.” She wrapped her arms around herself and sighed. “I'm just being a worrier, never mind me.”

Jake put his hand on Jane's shoulder as Dirk continued.

“Now, by no means is this a perfect plan. Jane will be alone at her house while the rest of us are at the workshop, and that means someone could intercept her on the way there,” Dirk said. Roxy raised her hand.

“I could hang out with Jane, we'd be split off equally then. Plus two against one is pretty good odds,” she offered. Jane gave Roxy a thankful smile as Dirk thought about it.

“Alright. Assuming Peixes still doesn't know about your involvement, that might be the safest bet,” he said. “She's looking for me, and we're leading her directly to my doorstep.”

“This is completely mad,” Jake said. “There are so many things that could go wrong here!”

“Do you have a better plan?” Dirk asked. Jake frowned.

“Yeah, I know this is fucking insane and there's a chance we could fail. But Roxy and I know what the Batterwitch can and will do, not to mention what she's already done, and we'll stop her or die trying,” Dirk said. Jake stared for a second before nodding firmly.

“Okay, I'm with you. I'll stand by you and bring this nefarious witch down,” he said.

“Count me in too, buster! I'll do whatever I can to help,” Jane piped in.

Roxy smiled widely at Jane and Jake. “With four of us, we're basically unstoppable!” she said, throwing an arm around Jane.

“That's the spirit!” Jake said.

“Okay, this is nice and all but we need to discuss the plan one last time,” Dirk said, crossing his arms. The three looked at him expectantly and he started explaining.

“Roxy and Jane will go back to Jane's house while Jake and I head to the workshop. Once we get there, Jake will stage a call to Jane's probably tapped or traced phone saying she needs to get down there as soon as possible because I am mortally injured. Hopefully she will be followed, or they will come for us directly without waiting for Jane to leave; Jake and I will be prepared either way.”

“We will?” Jake asked.

Dirk turned to him. “What sort of weapons training do you have? You mentioned your wild childhood so I'm guessing you have something.”

“I'm rather handy with duel pistols,” he said.

Dirk grinned. “Perfect.”

“Are you saying you'll need to use weapons?” Jane said.

“I want this to end today, so yes,” Dirk said.

 

 

Jane watched Jake and Dirk drive away with a concerned frown. Roxy glanced at her.

“I'm worried about them too,” she admitted. “I only just met Jake and of course I'm like, hella worried about him. But I've known Dirk for years and he's already got himself stabbed once today so that's been stressful.” She crossed her arms and shrugged. “But I think they're going to be okay.”

“I hope you're right,” Jane sighed. “I just hope this convoluted plan works out. We're kinda the bait here,” she pointed out. “If this doesn't work-”

“Don't say that,” Roxy cut her off. “We just need to follow the plan, Dirk knows what he's doing. We can't get all paranoid.”

Jane nodded slowly and took a deep breath. “Alright. Let's head back to my house, it's pretty close,” she said.

The two girls began walking, the path through the woods rarely used and littered with fallen branches and layers of leaves.

Roxy broke the silence first. “So you really didn't know about... everything?” she asked quietly. “You never, like... suspected anything was bad?”

“Never,” Jane said. “I was nothing more than a commercial face for a while when I was younger, then I had to be hidden away after people kept trying to assassinate me and I was told that once I got old enough I would take over, but I was never told anything about the inner workings of the company,” she explained. “I suppose this whole thing explains the attempts on my life.”

“No worries, Dirk and I had nothing to do with the murder attempts against you,” Roxy said. “I mean, up until like an hour ago we kinda thought you were the worst and all, but that's obvs not true,” she said.

“Gosh, thanks,” Jane said, raising an eyebrow. Roxy glanced at her apologetically.

“That was supposed to be reassuring,” she said. “You really do seem cool, and not at all like the future head of a secret government takeover!”

Jane laughed. “And you seem cool too,” she said.

The silence between them was more amicable as they walked on. It was almost a pleasant walk, until a loud voice behind them stopped them dead in their tracks.

“Yo bitches, take another step and this motherfuckin' trident is going right through the back o' your pretty little heads.”

 

 

“They're going to be fine,” Dirk said, as Jake drove down the street where Dirk's workshop was. Jake's hands were gripping the steering wheel with white knuckles.

“Maybe we shouldn't have left them there,” he said.

“We need to call from the workshop, if the call is traced it needs to come from here to look legitimate if we want this to work,” Dirk said.

Jake sighed. “I know.”

“This will work,” Dirk said. Jake nodded as he parked the car and stopped.

“I don't doubt you,” Jake sighed. “This is just all rather terrifying.”

“Yeah,” Dirk said simply as he got out of the car. Jake followed him inside, through the maze of junk to the couches. Dirk sat on the couch opposite the bloodied one and leaned back casually.

Jake took a deep breath and pulled up Jane's number.

“Run the script by me one more time,” he said.

“ _Jane, I need your help. I found Dirk in his warehouse and he's not moving. Bring Roxy and get to-_ and then you give her the address,” she said. Jake nodded and hit call.

“Hello?” Jane said when she picked up, her voice high.

“Janey, I require your assistance,” Jake started, before there was an indignant cry on the other end of the line.

“ _Janey_ ain't able to talk right now,” an unfamiliar voice said. “But a little fishy told me that Strider can.”

With shaking hands, Jake put the call on speaker.

“I don't know how that bastard survived my trident, but he ain't gonna survive another time. His little friend over here won't either unless ya get your asses over here to her house within the next hour and face the glubbin' music.”

“Peixes, I swear if you put one fishy finger on Roxy or Jane I will strangle you to death with your own braids,” Dirk growled.

Meenah laughed sharply. “Come and get me, bitch.”

The call ended. Dirk was already standing, storming through the shelves and pulling out boxes at random and throwing them to the floor. Jake watched, terrified. Dirk apparently found the box he was looking for, digging through it and throwing a smaller box to Jake. He caught it and opened it quickly, his eyes flying open as he took in the fancy pistols.

“Admire the weaponry in the car,” Dirk said, already halfway through the door with a katana sheathed on his back. Jake followed quickly, adjusting the duel holsters around his waist underneath his deep green over-shirt.

Jake had the car started in record time and was pulling away from the curb only a moment after sitting down. Dirk was hunched over, leg bouncing as he glared from underneath his triangular glasses as the road sped past them.

“FUCK,” he shouted suddenly, fists clenched. “I knew my grand fucking plan would end up being a horrible idea, there were so many fucking things that could have gone wrong, this is just one of them. Goddamn it!”

“Now is not the time to beat yourself up over this,” Jake said, eyes focused on the road. “You couldn't have planned for every eventuality, you don't need to blame yourself for this.”

“Fuck that, this is all my fault. It's my fault that you, Roxy, and Jane are involved. It's my fault for fucking up the explosion in the first place.”

“Dirk!” Jake barked. Dirk looked at Jake with wide eyes, having never heard Jake raise his voice before.

“You need to stop, I can't drive while you're going on, and you need to be level-headed for when we get to Jane's place.”

“Alright, fine,” Dirk said, his leg still bouncing anxiously. The rest of the car ride was silent as Jake sped towards Jane's house.

 

 

“Why didn't anyone mention that Meenah Peixes is an honest-to-goodness alien?” Jane whispered to Roxy, the two of them stiffly seated on Jane's couch while Meenah, roughly six-foot-eight with long black hair in twin braids that reached the floor and gently curving horns sprouting from her head, leaned against the wall, trident within easy reach and shell-phone in hand. She glanced up from the screen at Jane with a bored expression.

“Why didn't nobody tell me that the heiress to Crockercorp was cool with murderers?” she shot back.

“You're the murderer here!” Roxy said, glaring.

“Shut up, blondie. I ain't got no issue with pokin' you with my trident 'til your gross human blood paints the walls before Strider gets here.”

Roxy closed her mouth and settled for murderous looks in Meenah's direction. Jane watched Meenah with fear.

She turned her fuchsia eyes to Jane with a sneer. “Got a problem?”

Jane's fear turned to anger and she sat up straighter. “Frankly, yes!” she said indignantly. “You are keeping me hostage in my own home, and using us as bait for your own nefarious p-”

She was cut off by the trident being lodged in the couch between her and Roxy, sending fluff and fabric flying.

“My _cod_ your voice is glubbin' annoyin',” Meenah groaned, walking forward and retrieving her trident. “Next time I ain't gonna content myself with just spearin' your couch.” With one last glare, she went back to her phone. Jane and Roxy gave each other concerned looks as the clock ticked down.

 

 

Jake pulled into Jane's neighborhood and challenged the speed-limit as he drove to her house. Dirk was nearly vibrating in the passenger's seat as Jake screeched to a halt in front of an inconspicuous white house. Dirk was out of the car before it had even stopped fully. Jake rushed to turn the engine off and joined Dirk by the front door as he opened it, hand ready on his katana.

The next few seconds happened in a blur.

Dirk swung the door open quickly, but Meenah was prepared. Dirk and Jake barely had time to dodge the flung golden trident as it sailed toward them and embedded itself in the wall.

“Jesus Christmas!” Jake exclaimed as Dirk lunged for Meenah. With a sneer she brushed him away, knocking the wind out of him and sending his katana skidding across the floor towards the off-guard Roxy and Jane.

Meenah knocked Jake across the room with a shove as he aimed his pistols for her while she headed for her trident, moving faster than any of the humans could keep up. Jake slumped against the wall, dazed from the impact and blood leaking from his head. Jane cried out, standing from the couch and kneeling next to him with wide, terrified eyes.

Before Dirk could get his feet under him again, Meenah had one foot pressing down on his chest and her trident pointed at his neck.

“Ain't nobody gonna stop this princess, buoy!” she screamed triumphantly, and prepared to strike with a wide, shark-like grin.

Suddenly, Dirk's face was covered in warm blood.

Meenah's jaw dropped, her gray face going pale as she looked down at her chest, a silver sword protruding from her ribcage. With a sickening noise the katana was removed, leaving a trail of deep fuchsia across the floor.

Blood dripped from the wound and her open mouth as she turned to stare down Roxy, who stared back defiantly, Dirk's sword in-hand. The golden trident clattered to the floor as Meenah looked at Roxy with an expression of pure hatred. With a shaky step, Meenah attempted to grab Roxy by the neck, but collapsed to her knees instead. With a weak gurgle, she fell to the floor and was still.

The four watched as blood spread across the floor and waited for her to move. When it became clear that she was truly dead, Roxy tossed the katana aside and helped Dirk sit up, fresh blood seeping from his torn stitches as he looked at Roxy with stunned amazement. Jane helped Jake to his feet as he wiped the blood away and adjusted his glasses. He walked towards Dirk as soon as he got to his feet.

Before he could think rationally about what he was doing, Jake pulled Dirk close and kissed him softly on the lips, to everyone's surprise.

He pulled away a moment later, seemingly shocked with himself.

“My apologies, I don't know what came over me, I suppose it just felt like the perfect sort of celebration of such a climactic victory, and by Jove, I was terrified by seeing that apparent _alien_ ready to strike you dead and I realized that I care a lot about you even if we only did just meet and-” he rambled, before Dirk grabbed him by the collar and kissed him deeply.

“Oh my,” said Jane, blinking in surprise.

“Get it, Dirk,” Roxy said, eyebrow raised.

“Bro, I cannot fucking believe you said _by Jove,_ ” Dirk muttered as he separated himself from the very flustered Jake enough to speak.

“Admittedly, I can't believe I was able to say anything coherent at all,” Jake said.

“Oh my god,” Roxy said. “Okay so that's enough of the PDA stuff. Poor Jane is about to faint-”

“Am not!”

“-and we have a mess to deal with and a lot of shit do go through before I collapse into a sobbing mess because I just stabbed a bitchy fish-themed alien lady to death and I'm covered in pink blood,” she said.

“Are you okay, Roxy?” Dirk asked, concerned.

“It's been a hella long day TBH, and like... I don't know what to do now.” She shrugged and glanced at Meenah's body. “I mean like, ever since my mom was killed this was what I wanted. I dunno, it's hard for me to actually think past that right now.”

“I think we all need to relax for a while,” Jane said, looking at the blood seeping across the carpet. “I can call someone discreet to deal with this, I'm used to having would-be assassins dealt with,” she said casually.

Roxy looked at Jane with wide eyes. “Holy shit.”

“So nobody is going to explain what the situation is with _her_ being an alien?” Jake said.

“That's a whole other story filled with bullshit and unnecessarily complicated plot,” said Dirk. “I'll go through that another time. And suddenly it seems like we have a lot of time,” he said, sagging against Jake as the adrenaline wore off and blood loss began taking its toll.

“First things first, time to get you to a hospital,” Jake said.

“Good idea,” Dirk agreed.

Dirk and Jake left Roxy and Jane at Jane's house with promises of being back before dark. Dirk relaxed in the back seat of Jake's car, one of Jane's bright blue towels wrapped around his bleeding shoulder.

“Of all the people who's cars I could have broken in to, I'm glad it was yours,” Dirk said quietly. Jake laughed.

“Cheese and crackers, that feels like a million years ago now,” he said. “It's been an eventful day.”

“Yeah. Thank you for sticking through it,” Dirk said.

“I'm glad I did. What happens next?”

“We get to the hospital. After that, who knows? More adventures, I guess.”

Jake smiled. “I can't wait.”

 


End file.
